Cancer Take One

  Hey y'all, so I havr been thinking about documenting my journey lately. So a blog seems like a beautiful way!
 
  September 10th my mother was having an awful time eating. Always cringing. Only soft foods. Mainly Mac and cheese which fast became her favorite. She kept saying she had a kanker sore that wasn't healing. At this point it had been a month of her suffering and I had a enough of seeing her life slowly decline. As a family, we said, enough is enough and she went to a doctor.

  A week later we drove to the ENT in Berrien to get the results. Both laughing and hopeful as we discussed my birthday plans. It was sunny and beautiful, and niether of us worried much about the biospy results.
 
  We finally made it and sat in a small waiting room with the funniest receptionist I have ever met. She reinforced my good vibes for the day!
Finally after 15 minutes we we're called back to a small private room.

   The doctor walked in with a somber demeanor. Not smiling ear to ear, a get down to business kind of woman. She checked my mom's vitals and looked in her mouth and slumped into the standard doctor rolling chair. And that is when I knew.

   "Suzanne ( that's my mom) I hate to tell you but the biospy and pathology report came back positive for cancer."

SILENCE.

  At this point I am in shock. Niether of us have words for the news we were given.
The doctor must have seen the color leave my face because she handed me a small Kleenex pack.

  I then out of no where became snappy.
" WELL IS SHE GOING TO DIE?!"
Looking back that was a distasteful way to phrase it, but I could feel my emotions building.

  "She is stage 4. But with surgery and treatment you can have a good quality of life."

  Umm, excuse me. Quality of life? I wanted to know how much life. Would she see me get married. Have kids. Help me decorate a house. Be able to call for recipes. Even lecture me on things 10 years down the road. I craved answers, but I quickly learned with cancer nothing is in my control. It's in God's hands.

  I can't even lie I ran out of the room. Sitting in my car, I bawled my eyes out. Frantically calling my aunt to vent about how I don't know how I was going to handle this. Looking back, I was being selfish when I was suppose to be strong. Yet in the months after I think I figured.out how to be a rock, when before I felt like a pebble. TBC...

A lot has changed

A lot changed in a few short years and I can't help but think for the better. If you asked 18 year old Rachel, who are you? She wouldn't be able to give an answer worth hearing. After living some life and over coming obstacles there are few things any teenage or shall I say young adult needs to know.
1. Your self worth doesn't rely on anyone's opinions.
2. You can't keep justifying peoples bad behavior. Wrong is wrong, and the more you let little things slide, you compensate your integrity.
3. Experience is the most valuable teacher.
4. Travel while your young, see the world! Money is valuable but memories are infinate.
5. Know when enough is enough.
6. Understand not all friendships last and if they do, cherish them.
7. Things always get better with time.

I'm still growing and changing into the adult I want to be. And I'd be lying if I said I follow my golden rules to a T. But everyday is a fresh start and I know every baby step leads me to miles from where I began.

Poetry, My Demise

 How I feel today... ↓

http://www.funnypuppysite.com/pictures/Very_Sleepy_Puppy.jpg

 Hey dearest readers, I come to you a broken, tired writer. For the past 2 months, I've been typing away at a portfolio of poetry. On this cloudy day, at 3 in the morning, all gazillion pages were printed, and finalized. Right now, lack of sleep isn't equaling a happy Rachel, but I'm sure I will feel overwhelming accomplished later. Here's a taste of some of my poetry:

Ode To My High School Planner

Bound together by navy swirls,
You hold more than crinkled paper
Within your tidy realm.

Colorful tattoos by artists
Named Bic and Paper mate,
Always turn my stare into a trance.

Like an obedient retriever, you sit,
And stay,
By my side from the sun rise of English,
Till the wee hours of Physics.

Sometimes I know you feel used,
Don’t worry your little pages.
Come June, I’ll unlock your chains
Letting you hide safely
Inside my fire pit.

Your mortal enemy, sleep,
Has never gotten the best of you
That sly stranger has pelted
You into bedroom walls,
Once, or maybe six times.
Always coming away intact.

Shoved between the Goliath,
Glencoe,
And the protruding,
Pearson,
Textbooks are not competition.
Math and Science will have never owned my heart,
Just you, and your
“Commitment to Excellence.”

Stunning on the outside,
With a vintage yellow sheen,
I’d give you an A+.
No one can pull off 1970’s
Couch patterns quite like planner.

You may not spell “F-I-T-E” right,
Or recognize any Jewish Holidays,
But illiteracy, and ignorance,
Are the new, educated and aware.
Way to be a trendsetter.

Oh planner,
Do not cry for me.
Frustration, anxiety, and stress
Will never last forever.
Our non-decomposable bond will
Last until page 176.


  If you are years out of high school, maybe this poem wasn't the clearest. Luckily, you aren't the one grading it. Don't get me wrong, I did it for me, but the grade is also high on my list of priorities. In pursuit to prove I'm more than mediocre, I'll give you another taste of my delicious pieces.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Looking into a bottle of Jack,
Is like peering into a barrel of
A semi automatic.
Curiosity is the downfall of man,
When he yearns to feel alive.

Your misery and pain
Get drowned in a foul liquid.
Coughing hard,
Your eyes are wide.
With every shot you feel alive.

Memories become a foggy haze,
A mere whisper in the wind.
Every time they called you
Mediocre,
Greedy,
Incompetent,
Is cured with every swig.

Demons rage war in your head,
All you manage is surrender.
Verbally abusive inanimate objects,
Animate hallucinations of childhood
nightmares from sharp tongues.

In the morning, you’re alive.
Bile surrounding you on
Cold bathroom stucco.
You’d pound a fist in acrimony,
yet your head can’t even raise.

Drinking your life away,
Pulling the trigger,
Isn’t as effortless as it appears.



Note that I am not an alcoholic. Nor will I ever be, but I've seen tons of lives destroyed over binge drinking. My grandmother, struggled with addiction all her life, and it ended up being the ailment that took her home to heaven. I'm not jumping on the bandwagon of my parents to think it was a suicide, but more so like how I described the barrel of a gun. You can drink your life away with out meaning to.
Here's my final piece for you:

Mid Summers Night Camp


Dimming light, I drove,
Shifting pebbles under bald tires.
Swerve, break, gas, slow.

The lowland meadow,
Destination of seclusion.
Cat tails, crab grass, mossy elms.
Fog off murky ponds crept,
Like a predator waking from hibernation.

Flying nuisances buzz,
Drawing blood like Dracula.
Itchy, swollen, bumpy rash.
Musky tents, with patchwork holes,
Unzipped windows, with gentle breezes.

Pockets full of salmon colored lures,
Cooler packed with Coors Light.
Settled on a rotten log,
Bark scratches tender thighs.
Fire popped, and heat caressed warn souls..

Sharing toasts of years past,
Red Solo cups
Sloshing. Dripping. Spilling.
Our potent elixir causing giggles galore.
Drunks can’t remember,
    But I’ll never forget.
That steamy July evening,
Under the moon hazed sky.
  

Well, there you go! These were some of my master works... so to speak :) I may not get a "good" grade, but it sure made for a thoughtful first quarter. Boom.

QUOTES

www.tumblr.com

   I am all about quotes and uplifting messages. With more then a few hits to my life lately, I find the above to be very comforting. When something in your life goes a miss, and you find your self swimming in self pity, just remember it's just a mere moment in a long lifetime. I aim to be 100, so that's 864,000 hours more I have to make things right. Sure a day here and there, I know I will struggle, but I have so much time that isn't miserable, and I'm blessed. Friends, family, good grades, a job, those are some things other don't have. I understand any moment they can be taken away, but for now I'll bask in the love my life has brought me.

The Great Debate

  This morning, I'm tired and still highly frustrated. If anyone watched the debate last night, they agree. Election season is the worst, and a lot ride on your vote. We all make a difference, so if your 18, you better have your booty registered. If you don't vote, you better not complain. That's all there is to it.
WARNING SUBJECT MATTER LEANS TOWARDS THE VIEWS OF A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT!
You have been warned.
  Watching Mitt Romney and Obama debate last night was a Migraine. ( More so listening to Mitten's do his famous flip flopping, irked me.) If it wasn't the opponents obvious attempt to win back the 47%, It was the lack of either side touching on women's health issues. Literally, only one question touched on funding for Planned Parenthood, and strayed far, far, far away from abortion. Not that I believe abortion is a good discussion topic, but I'm just curious how Romney would have tried to smooth his view over. He claimed all campaign trail to being a conservative, but was just recently christening himself, Moderate Mitt. After talking about repealing Wade vs. Roe, there isn't much room to say, "Just Kidding." That's a freedom for women. I'm sure we could argue for days, is an embryo a person, but in the end it's YOUR CHOICE. I'm a Feminist, so that should tell you enough about my thoughts, but I know my best friend is a pro lifer. She doesn't judge me, I don't judge her. We have opposite ends of the spectrum views, but we understand as women, there are scenarios that abortion is understandable: rape, incest, very young age. So go ahead Romney, try to repeal Wade vs. Roe. Try.
  Another point to hit on, is Mitten's calling Obama out for his Rose Garden speech, claiming it never mention  him saying it was an act of terror. Well Mr.Governor, here's proof for your little lie.

"No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation, alter that character, or eclipse the light of the values that we stand for.  Today we mourn four more Americans who represent the very best of the United States of America.  We will not waver in our commitment to see that justice is done for this terrible act.  And make no mistake, justice will be done." - Via Foxnews.com 
( Aren't you surprised Fox News has it?)

Hmmm, if he's lying about this important issue, I wonder what other little fibs he's been claiming. If you like facts, as much as I do. Check out this non biased fact site. You can see what both sides have been spewing incorrectly. I'll admit Obama isn't always truthful, but just see how many lies Mitt say's in comparison. Honestly, I hate politics. I don't like either president, but it's about choosing the lesser of two evil. I'll take my chances at having a less then perfect life for the next four years, over having a top 2%, Pell Grant stealing, anti-women's rights leader. Judge me, I love opinions. Feel free to share them, just know you can't sway mine. 

http://media2.govtech.com/images/ObamaRomneyTechPolicies.jpg

Bosses Day!

My Boss Josh, and I.

    Good morning readers!!! Most people don't know, but this week we celebrate a special holiday. On Tuesday, October 16th, it's... you guessed it... BOSSES DAY. It's the day we spend time to appreciate our superiors in the work place. Now, I understand some people may dislike their bosses, and that sucks to be you. For me, I was blessed with the best.
   The General Manager at my work is Josh, followed by two shift managers, Arron and Brittney. All there are amazing and what they do, and deserve applause, but today is about Josh. Hmmm.. where do I start.
Josh is someone who believes in second chances, and teaching people how to fix there mistakes, thus making you independent. With out his guidance, our restaurant would be in shambles. His flexibility in making shecuals, and his therapist skills make him less of a boss, more like a friend. I say that lightly, because he still gets the job done. I've seen Josh make 2,500 dollar orders, and not break a sweat. ( Doing the math, and large pizza costs 10$, 2,500/10= 250 pizza. 1 minute per pizza to make, would be 250 minutes/ 60 minutes = 4 hours) Hypothetically it should take Josh about 4 hours for that order. Well, with the quality staff he has, that order took a little over an hour. At Pizza Hut, we are all C.H.A.M.P.S. and know how to match speed to quality.
   Boss, Friend, Co-worker, leader, comedian, Josh does it all and more. I know you won't see this post Josh, but if you did, I'd just want you to know that you'll always be the best boss, no matter where I end up working! Also if for some reason you do find this page, please don't black mail me with the above picture :)
  Off to school everyone, have a wonderful Monday... If that is even possible?

Blackberry Green Tea

  Good Morning! I hope you all had a restful nights sleep. I finally did :) After the weekend I had, I'm basically running on fumes. Making a VERY cranky Rachel. Have you ever been so stressed you have nightmares or night time hallucinations? If so, may I say, creepiest thing ever. I could have sworn I saw a ghost last night, but common sense tells me in the manifestation of my sub conscience. The first two nights, it was a strange dream. Almost like having an out of body experience. That feeling woke me up in panic, only to realize I was alive in tact. The dreams stopped and last night I though I saw a figure standing in my room. It was a male with buzzed hair, and crooked teeth. Perhaps, the battle between fear and sanity plays out in my sleep. I'll never really know. Having WW3 sparking in my cranium, has lead me to the only cure.

http://ebid.s3.amazonaws.com

 

  Green tea. Not just regular, bland, green tea, but the Lipton brand with honey, and juicy blackberry. Yes, I already know tea has caffeine  and won't aid sleep. Trust me, it doesn't help. ( Unless you get a nice chamomile. mmmmm...) How it's working for me is by a simply reminding of happy times. When I drank tea while sun bathing on the beaches of Florida. Or I had a nice fruity cup after spring run. I drank Tea on the first day I blogged, and I will not stop. Delicious pale pink liquid, you turn my horrors back into dreams.

If you know any good brands I can try, please comment. I'm always looking for more goodies! Off to school I go. God help those who anger me on the Wednesday.